Love & Loss -Part 1
by Cordelia
Summary: I'm sorry, but I will not continue this story...It has ended where I have ended it.


****

Title: LOVE AND LOSS

Author: Elisha and rewritten by Cordelia

Summary: Cordelia's in love what will she do about it?

DISCLAIMER: The character's belong to Fox and Mutant enemy (you know, grrr arrgh) I only play with the toys, I am too poor to buy them. Please do not sue me.

The song is by Kylie Minogue "Under the Influence of Love." (Elisha picked out the song)

SPOILERS: General season 2 

Notes: This story was actually written by Elisha, a fellow Cordy/Angel shipper, but I rewrote the entire thing. So the general idea is all hers, with the exception of the ending. I made the ending up. If you would like to send feedback to either one of us, the address for Elisha is: slayerstake@buffymail.com and mine is bad-attitude@antisocial.com.

Dedication: I would like to dedicate this story to Elisha, it being her idea and stuff, and she was so nice to allow me to rewrite it. To Megan, who will never successfully finish reading any of my stories unless they are below 10 words ;). To J, who knows how much of a romantic I am and even though I deny it, it's the truth. To L, who got me started on watching BtVS (and I forgive her for hating all of my music =Þ) and to Rachel, who read my story along the way and made suggestions. 

Cordelia screamed as the demon flung her against the wall. "You shouldn't have done that," Angel growled as he saw Cordelia go flying towards the wall, where she fell unconscious. 

Angel turned his face to the side and when he turned back his vampire visage was showing and he was not happy. The demon jumped as it realized this was no human he was messing with. 

Angel flew at the Bendindly demon, he knocked it to the wall, but it was up in less than a second. Angel hit the ground as the demon punched him, but he too was up within seconds. Angel grabbed the Bendindly demon's neck and twisted it. Sure enough, it snapped and the demon fell to the ground. Angel ran to Cordelia who was still knocked out cold 

"Cordy, Cordelia" he said trying to wake her of her unconscious state.

"Hey, don't do that," Cordelia said almost as a whisper, when she started to come around. He smiled at her and she sat there not moving.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concern in his brown eyes.

"Yeah, just give me time, my body feels a little sore," She said as she struggled to a sitting position.

They both sat against the wall for awhile, retaliating from their fight. After a while they left and headed for Cordelia's place. 

They stopped at her door 

"Well thanks for a not so duel night," Cordelia said sarcastically.

"Well that's our life Cor, and we are stuck with it," Angel said a smile forming across his face at the thought of being stuck with Cordelia in his life. 

"Yeah I guess it is," Cordelia agreed not realizing the real meaning behind his words.

She opened her door and walked in. Angel stood there looking at the closed door and then turned and walked back to his car and went home.

~*~

Cordelia Chase jumped up as her alarm clock went off. She turned, slammed down on the button and laid back down. "I have to get up and go to work." she thought to herself again and again. She kept thinking it, but nothing in the world was getting her out of that bed, it was just so warm thoughts were rushing through her head at a hundred miles an hour. Suddenly something hit her. She got up, walked to the shower and turned it on, her whole body pushing her to get to work. She stopped as it hit her again. "I have to go to work, Angel will be there." She jumped up and got dressed as fast as she could. 

She rummaged through her closet looking for her white turtleneck sweater and black leather skirt. "Please, don't do this to me now," she silently pleaded with the PTB. "Ah Ha!" came the triumphant cry. She combed out her long brown locks as she looked into the full length mirror. All of a sudden with her free hand she slapped herself on the forehead. "Ow," she said rubbing the spot in a circular motion. "Oh yea, shoes!," she cried remembering why she had hit herself in the first place. She ran to the front hall closet throwing open the door and falling to her knees. "Oh come on, I know I put them in here somewhere…" she let her sentence trail off as she continued her search for her leather boots. "I knew it!" she yelled as she pulled the knee-high boots from the wreckage of the closet. She unceremoniously plopped down on her butt and began pulling the boots onto her slim legs. When she finished getting ready she ran out the door almost forgetting her beaten up leather messenger bag.

It wasn't until she was driving to work when she started to question her feelings. Why was she so exited to see Angel? Sure he was her friend and family even, but something was making her go there. Something was pulling her to Angel, but what?

~*~

"ANGEL," Cordelia screamed running through the huge hotel searching for the vampire. She turned to go in the opposite direction when she saw him standing there. He had been in the 

shower and was soaking wet wearing only a towel. Her body began getting hot and her mouth dropped. She had seen Angel in a towel before but something hit her, and it hit hard like a golf ball to her stomach and she began to get butterflies. 

"Are you ok Cor?" he asked searching her eyes for the answer. He put his hand on her shoulder, she didn't say any thing, she couldn't, her whole body shook at the image of Angel.

"Are you ok?" he asked again. 

She finally gained control of herself enough to answer his question. "Yeah I'm fine, just fine."

She looked up at him. His eyes were so tender and caring. He smiled at her and walked back to the bathroom to get changed. He shut the door and Cordelia feigned fainting and fell to the nearest couch. She opened her eyes as she heard footsteps nearing. 

"Hey Cordy, what are you doing up here?" she heard Wesley's familiar voice ask.

"Nothing, I'm doing nothing, nah, no way, not me, not a thing," she rambled on.

"Ok then, is Angel up here?" the former watcher asked a little confused by Cordelia's response.

"Why are you asking me? How would I know? Wes, I'm not his keeper, it's not like we're going out or anything. Wes, how would I 

know, Wes?" she babbled stumbling on her words as she said them. 

"Are you feeling well, Cordelia? Your acting a little wired and what's with the Wes?" Wesley asked trying to figure out what was 

going on about.

Cordelia gave him a blank look and then she fled as fast as she could. She felt so strange. Cordelia walked into the kitchen and pored her self a drink. "You need to take a cold shower, Cordelia Chase, this is Angel. Not some gorgeous model. He's Angel, a handsome vampire with a soul." She kept trying to convince her self she was not going crazy. The cold shower really was not a good choice of words, because the more she thought of it the more she pictured Angel taking a shower. She slapped herself hoping she would wake up and find she was just dreaming but she didn't. She only realized that she needed to stop hitting herself because it was beginning to look like she was in a fight. Deep down she new she had always had a thing for Angel, but they were so close, like family. She had seen him lose his soul, kind of anyway, and seen the way he loved Buffy and the way he hurt her and how it hurt him. She was going crazy! She sat down at the table and sipped her tea as she tried to decipher her feelings. It must have been the bump on her head. That's it, the bump on her head. Nothing more nothing less. The more she thought about it the more she convinced herself it was true. 

Gunn stood in the doorway and tapped his foot. "Fine, I'm out of here. call me if anything happens," he said as he made his way to the door.

Angel walked into the room just as Gunn walked out the door. "Where is he going?" he asked genuinely lost. 

"He got bored," Wesley said as he made his way over to the filing cabinet.

"Oh," Angel said as he looked over at Cordelia sitting on the couch. "Are you sure your feeling alright, I mean you don't look so good," he asked with concern in his voice.

"So," she started sharply, ignoring Angel's comment. "What are we doing today," she asked getting up from the table to get away from Angel.

Angel looked hurt and slightly confused as Wesley took the liberty to answer her question. "We could maybe do some filing, that could be entertaining, or we could play a game of chess or something to that effect.

Cordelia and Angel smiled at the typical Weslyness of that whole conversation. "Boring much?" Cordelia bit off as soon as Wesley turned to face the pair.

"Oh Cordelia, I forgot to tell you. Kelly from acting called you last night," Angel said.

Cordelia turned to look Angel in the face, "What did she want?"

"Oh uh," Angel trailed off as she shuffled through papers laying on the desktop. "To make sure you had a date tonight, because you are going to need one," he shrugged holding the post-it up in the air.

"Well! Isn't that just peachy? Could this day get any worse?" She practically screamed.

Wesley turned and smiled at his friend. "I'll go with you Cor," he said his voice chirpy.

"Oh Wes, I would love to, but the last time I went out with you, you spilt cocktail sauce on me, so I will uh take a rain check," she answered with slight regret in her tone. 

Wesley simply nodded and got up from the table heading straight for the door, obviously hurt. 

"Angel, I know this isn't really your thing, but since I am your favorite seer, would you please do this for me?" she inquired as her lips flipped over into a pout.

"I don't have to wear a suit do?"

"Oh Angel, I love you, thank you so much!" Cordelia cried jumping up and down. "No whatever you like is fine, nothing makes you look bad." As she realized what she had said she looked stricken in Angel's direction, but he hadn't noticed he was simply sitting there looking at the floor. 

~*~

The night came quick and Cordelia's nerves were getting worse she had no idea what she was doing. She was here with Angel! Her feelings were twisted about him but she still believed it had to do with the night before and the bump on the head, what else was there to explain? She couldn't possibly love him more than a friend, could she?

She contemplated this while she pulled up the zipper on her red silk slip dress. "Whoa, tight squeeze," she breathed as she turned around to look at herself in the mirror. "Man, I could stand to loose a few," she grumbled as she bent over to pull on her stiletto heels. 

There was a knock on the door and Cordelia rushed to it, teetering on her thin heels. As she pulled open the door, there stood Angel with a heart melting look on his face. He eyed her up and down. "Wow, Cordy, you look…amazing," he said grasping for a word to describe her beauty.

She gave him a Cordelia Chase smile. "Thanks, I know I look wonderful, you don't look too shabby yourself," she said coyly. He was wearing black pants and black dress shirt that wasn't tucked in. Boy, did he look amazing. She knew she was going to loose it all if she didn't pull herself together fast!

Angel reached over to the coat rack and pulled her coat off the hook. Straightening it so that she could turn around and easily slip into it. Cordelia slid her small arms into the wool sleeves and turned around to face Angel. "Umm well I guess we should be going…" he barely whispered. Cordelia simply nodded her head and followed Angel out the door.

The whole ride there she kept quiet. She knew if she opened her mouth first something would slip and she couldn't let him know, she just couldn't.

As they entered the building, Cordelia found the room where the party was being held and walked in with her head held high and her "Cordy the Bitch" attitude on full blast. "Pssst! Cordelia!" Angel hissed as Cordelia walked oblivious into the room.

"What?" Cordelia hissed back in the same venom tone. "Oh," she grinned sheepishly and shuffled back to the doorway hoping no one had noticed their entrance. She closed the door behind her and rang the doorbell. "Kelly!" Cordelia screeched as the door opened revealing her acting class buddy.

"Cordy!" Kelly squealed in excitement. "Who is this fine hunk of tall dark and handsome?" she asked looking straight at Angel. 

Angel stood there a slight wince on his face as Cordelia wrapped her hands around his forearm in a possessive manner. "This is Angel," Cordelia said plastering a smile on her face, but in her head kept thinking "If this bitch tries to touch my man, I will kick her blonde ass."

Kelly noted the motion and suddenly broke out into a smile, "Why don't the both of you come in?" 

"Thanks, don't mind if we do," Cordelia bit off as Kelly shut the door behind them. "Why don't you come mingle with me?" Kelly asked while Cordelia started wandering off. "Sure," Cordelia said through gritted teeth and let go of Angel's arm.

The rest of the night Cordelia deliberately stayed away from Angel, but she couldn't keep her eyes off of him. Neither could any of the other girls there, and their hands either for that matter. Angel stood in the middle of the room feeling completely awkward standing in the center of a crowd of girls who were drooling all over him. Cordelia lifted up her head, excused herself from the group of friends she was talking to and marched, gracefully of course, over to Angel and his groupies. 

"Hi guys" she said to all her acting class mates, everyone turned to her "Cor, hi how are you?" One of the girls named Felicity asked. Cordelia had to smile at this sad attempt, "I'm doing just fine, taking over my date are you?" They all looked at her sheepishly and started to head back to their now pissed off boyfriends.

"Thanks for that I was getting a little worried. I thought I was going to be mobbed or something," Angel said as he took Cordelia's hand in his own. "Care to dance?" he asked smirking.

Cordelia smiled, "Duh," she drawled huskily as she leaned into his chest. They danced through seven songs non stop when they finally tired. "That was nice. You're a good dancer considering your a vampire and all," Cordelia said, her heart melting. 

"Thank you" Angel said looking down at her with his chocolate eyes. 

They sat down on the couch when Cordelia began to feel a sharp pain in her head. No sooner has the pain started but Cordelia collapsed from the pain. She never got a chance to drop though because Angel held onto her so tightly as though not to arouse suspicion from the other guests. As the vision ended and her pain subsided she looked up at Angel.

"What did you see?" Angel asked.

"Vampire nest…sewer…Gunn was there...he was 

fighting them…he is in trouble, Angel" Cordelia stumbled on her words. 

Angel got up and got their coats. He helped Cordelia put hers on and then slipped his own on. He gently helped Cordelia up from the couch and lead her slowly out of the apartment. As soon as they got to the parking garage the ran to the car. When the reached the car Cordelia turned to Angel. "Remind me to NEVER run in heels again," she said as she slammed her door. Angel nodded as he pressed down on the accelerator. 

~*~

They arrived back at the hotel late. Angel was hurt and Cordelia was fixing his wound. Gunn stood next to her and passed bandages. "You ok man? Didn't see that one coming," Gunn said looking at the deep wound. Cordelia finished patching up the wound. 

"Yeah Gunn I'm fine. I heal fast, so I will be ok," Angel said reassuringly.

Gunn nodded "Well, I should go check on my friends they looked hurt and I just wanna check up on em. So I'll catch you tomorrow," he said turning to leave. 

Once Gunn was gone, Cordelia could really find out if Angel was ok. "Are you sure you are alright, Angel? That looks pretty painful."

"Yeah, after a while you get used to it," he said slightly wincing. 

They both sat there for awhile in silence, just enjoying the presence of each other when something suddenly changed. Cordelia had no idea what she was thinking but it happened too fast to react. She leaned over and covered Angel's lips with her own. She found it odd that he didn't try to pull away but kissed her back matching her intensity. She explored his mouth tasting every bit of him. She felt his whole body and it was amazing. Finally she had to pull back for breath and he looked at her confused. The reality of all she had just done and the line she had crossed hit her. "Oh god, Angel, I didn't mean…shit…I-I'm so sorry," she groped for the words. 

"It's all right, Cordy, we are under a lot of tension lately," he said, his eyes full of regret.

Cordelia simply nodded and gave a half-hearted smile, grabbed her messenger bag and shuffled to the door. Angel watched her go and as much as he was confused, he knew that he loved this woman with all of his heart and soul and there was nothing he could do about it now.

~*~

Cordelia arrived home that night. She sat down on her couch still trying to figure out what happened at the office. She couldn't believe that she had kissed him. She had kissed Angel, Buffy's Angel. It was wonderful though, she could still taste him in her mouth and could still feel his lips on hers. Dennis came out soon after she got 

Home. He handed her a glass of water and knew that she needed to be alone for awhile, so he left her. She smiled her famous smile and took a sip. She lay on her couch for a long time just going over what happened. It all felt so good and so right…and this is Angel!_ What the hell am I thinking?_ She now knew that the bump on her head had nothing to do with it. How was she going to explain to her Vampire boss that she was in love with him?

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a knock at her door. She quickly wiped the faint tears from her eyes and turned to the mirror hanging in her hall. She hastily fixed her hair and plastered a smile on her face. She swung open the door and as it revealed who was standing there, her jaw dropped to the floor. 

"A-Angel…*Ahem*…what are you doing here?" she said trying to mask her surprise and awkwardness. 

"I think we need to talk," Angel said.

"Yeah ok," she said moving aside to allow him to pass her. 

He walked into the room and sat on the couch where she joined him. Neither of them made any effort to begin the conversation. Finally she coughed loudly, clearly annoyed. "What happened?" he said suddenly breaking the silence. 

She took a deep breath and began to explain everything. "I love you. I guess I always liked you a little bit, but it changed into something big, very big," she said her words very soft. "Oh damn it, Angel, why the hell do you do this to me?" she suddenly burst out.

"Uh…" Angel just looked at her with wide eyes.

"I mean, look at me, the nastiest girl in Sunnydale, going weak in the knees. I get sweaty palms and a racing pulse. I get nervous and I stammer. I can't even think straight around you anymore."

"Cordy, I can't…I…you're a beautiful woman. You're smart and intelligent and everything a guy could want…" 

She cut him off, "Every guy, but you. Right, I get it. You're not over little-miss-likes-to-fight. That's fine, I am fine with that…" she didn't get to finish her sentence though, because she flipped out and threw a glass vase, with a single red rose in it, against her living room wall. Angel looked terrified, which was not a common occurrence. Cordelia saw the look on his face and turned around. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak again. Nothing came out just air. She finally crumbled and fell into the chair. Angel stood up knowing that he had just broke the heart of his best friend and the woman he loved. He knew he couldn't do anything to comfort her so he simply turned and left quietly. 

~*~

Cordelia slid out of the car. She pulled herself out and then ducked back in to grab her laptop and messenger bag. She clicked down the lock and shut the door. She walked silently to the front entrance of the old hotel. She listened to the rhythmic clicking of her high heels on the asphalt. She was so nervous about how she would act around Angel. After last night she was so upset that he would never speak to her again, her main concern was where could she get a job after Angel fired her. She pulled open the door and walked into the office with a smile plastered on her face. She removed her sunglasses from their perch atop the bridge of her nose and placed them on the top of her head. "Morning," she said to no one in particular.

Wesley was the first to look up. "Good morning, Cordelia," he said with a smile. 

Gunn gave a vague nod in her general direction to acknowledge her entrance. 

"We have donuts," Wesley informed her as he motioned with his hand toward the box sitting atop the counter.

Cordelia raised an eyebrow, "Jelly?"

Gunn found this an appropriate time to speak, "Of course."

She smiled satisfied and glided over to the box. As she lifted the sweet confection to her mouth she almost dropped it at the sound of Angel's voice.

"Good morning, everyone," Angel said in his deep voice.

Wesley and Gunn greeted him, but Cordelia simply turned back around and ate her donut. She had to chase down the donut with a cup of coffee because she could hear Angel slowly making his way over to Cordelia's corner. She felt a coldness on her shoulder and turned her head slightly to see Angel's head hovering next to her ear. 

"Can I help you?" She asked coldly.

"I need to talk to you, Delia," he asked pleadingly.

"What for?"

"I just need to talk to you," he said.

"Fine," she hissed before he dragged her away to his room.

~*~

ok so that is the end of part 1. I am currently working on the second part. Please review this story, it would mean so much to me.


End file.
